I look out into the world and see confusion; a reflection of what I feel inside. I suppose because something is missing. So much I don’t understand.
I know I’m not alone in the loneliness I feel every now and then. I wonder about that dark emptiness lurking beyond the shadow of my soul; like a black hole lingering in the far distance – no corners to confine it – scattered arbitrarily, or maybe abiding by a law of some universe keeping it at a specific point and distance but never to disappear.
The infinite darkness within holds onto me so tightly like a promised memory making sure I do not ignore its existence. There must be a thread that takes us back to when it all began I hope. Or was there no beginning and thus no end?
What an idea to accept; that within every negative we are sure to find a positive holding it all together – an empty space there to swallow us whole at any given time which could easily render shelter to a soul seeking to hide in its familiar darkness.
In an idea of no beginning and no end there rests hope of immortality of some kind…the kind only love can ignite. To never have been born and so never to die is a hopeful thought…and the silliest I’ve ever witnessed myself to believe in. But my biology professor did tell me the existence of a human being presupposes he’s been born; “Structure defines function”, he said. Oh yes, but he wasn’t lecturing about the soul which resides in the human being.
The idea of the soul has no positive argumentation in academic minds clutched onto their need to be accepted as scientists. When speaking of spirituality they would compromise their position were they to argue for a thought fictional in the face of empirical research.
But the thought of superficial existence of the flesh as being the only existence; that which we can see and feel, and smell and taste…the thing that comes and goes – consuming but a brief moment of space in time; that is tangible and safe to discuss for its cause is DNA.
We are destined to be remembered or forgotten by the choices we make but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m searching for that thread to the first idea of existence. Maybe the reason for the black hole…if there ever was a reason, or a black hole within, for that matter.
No, there must be a reason. I just have to remember. If I could only stroll down that twisted path of DNA, I would surely find the reason unless I’m completely wrong about that black hole waiting to be acknowledged before it can set me free.
“Would you be surprised if I told you that I believe there dwells the brightest star in the center of our deepest darkness?”, he said. “A light within us we cannot see from where we stand but easily noticed by loving eyes standing at the receiving end of us”. – Yes you once said that you saw light when you looked into my eyes. I remember that day. I was at my saddest but because of you I could smile.
My professor lectured, “…fused together…the beginning of a cycle …”. My hand was up to let him know that I can accept his science without abandoning my belief in eternity. He said, “Don’t be misled by your need to believe”. And then I remembered the beginning of the poem I never got round to finishing: “At the moment closest to her end, she will see the brightest star”.
But if I’m wrong and a black hole does not exist within, then my need to fill it up with light will never be met…no I cannot be wrong, not about the feeling at least…
I had a dream last night. A little girl with long brown curls asked me, “How long can you love him?”, …as long as my heart remembers, I thought. The little girl heard me and smiled …”the heart has a mind of its own…it resides in the star”, she said.
© 2013 Maria Fokas/Stuck in a Moment